Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Twenty Reasons the NHL Rejected the Kovalchuk Contract

By now, you've likely heard the news that Ilya Kovalchuk's contract with the New Jersey Devils has been rejected by the NHL. You've probably also learned that Kovy's contract was rejected despite the NHL approving a host of similar contracts that utilize the same loophole in their current collective bargaining agreement. Wondering why this one broke the camel's back, so to speak? Well, we at PiTB did a little sleuthing, and it turns out there were at least twenty perfectly good reasons, reported (exclusively!) below:

  1. Stipulation excusing Kovalchuk from the backcheck contravenes the CBA.

  2. It is impossible to calculate salary cap hit of "OMG all the money".

  3. Portion stipulating that play-by-play announcer Mike Emrick must call Alex Ovechkin "Bride of Kovalchucky" during all Washington visits to New Jersey contravenes the CBA.

  4. Lou-Bucks are not a valid currency.

  5. The sheer immensity of the contract roused Lord Chaos, who realized it had been a while since he had done anything head-scratchingly contradictory.

  6. NHL learned of Lamoriello's plan to bench Zach Parise mid-season and come down from the GM's office to be Kovalchuk's center.

  7. Having spent so much time calculating Phoenix Coyotes home attendance figures, numbers above 10,000 are impossible for Gary Bettman to comprehend.

  8. NHL learned of Lou Lamoriello's plan to get the money by building a death ray, pointing it at United Nations, and holding the world's powers hostage.

  9. Enormity of contract meant that the Devils could no longer afford to sweep the ice with zambonis; proposed cheap replacement, Lindsay Lohan's nose, deemed unacceptable.

  10. "Shots Vodka Bonus" contravenes the CBA.

  11. NHL announces that, just like PiTB, they have fallen in love with Kyle Wellwood, and no contract will be approved until somebody signs him.

  12. NHL simply looking out for Kovy's best interests: nobody wants to spend a lifetime in New Jersey.

  13. Outrage over BP oil spill made NHL brass sensitive to any instance of something circumventing a cap.

  14. Upon second look, NHL discovered the last seven years of the contract were to be paid in "Itchy & Scratchy Money," which, because it's not accepted anywhere, doesn't count against the cap.

  15. Gary Bettman still holding out hope for Alex Ovechkin and Ilya Kovalchuk to make the Decision to join Ilya Bryzgalov in Phoenix and form Russian superteam in 2021.

  16. No-trade clause that kicks in for 2018 confused NHL war room in Toronto, as they don't understand what a kicking motion is.

  17. Upon hearing Pierre McGuire announce it, Gary Bettman got scared when phrases "Jersey Devil" and "monster contract" were used so close together.

  18. Contracts so long they can be considered hereditary contravene the CBA.

  19. Upon learning contract was drawn up by New Jersey mafia, NHL realized that KHL is merely a truncation of "killhole", and New Jersey's plan to bury him in the KHL for the last six years of the contract were far more sinister than anybody could have imagined.

  20. After forgetting how to tie his shoes, Gary Bettman decided to crack down on loopholes.

Anyway, that's all I've heard. Perhaps you've heard of some additional reasons? We'd love to hear them in the comments.

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