Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The 10 Best Items in the Dice & Ice Auction Catalogue

The Canucks Dice & Ice Benefit is a fabulous annual charity event that raises money for the Canucks For Kids Fund in support of Canuck Place Children's Hospice and BC Children's Hospital. We've never been, and until we have enough money to pay rent and still have some money left in our bank accounts, it's likely we won't be in attendance.

However, because PITB is a worldwide movement now, we have spies everywhere. We have managed to get ahold of the night's silent auction catalog. Thank you to our secret benefactor, who may or may not be Batman.

Suffice it to say, there's some sweet stuff in there, including a bevy of autographed jerseys by your favourite Canucks. No autographed Jannik Hansen jersey, though. To sign your name, you need hands, amirite? Ha ha, zing.

Anyway, as commoners, we understand the plight of those like us, who want to know about the neat stuff up for auction, but aren't on that particular mailing list. So, for the plebeian, we've compiled a short list of the coolest stuff the Canucks have put up for bid. Here are the ten best items in the Dice & Ice Auction Catalog:


Private Practice with Daniel & Henrik Sedin
A once in a lifetime opportunity to have Canucks Alternate Captain Daniel Sedin and Captain Henrik Sedin coach your BC minor hockey league team for a practice. This prize is open to minor hockey players 16 years old and younger and includes the opportunity to watch a private Canucks practice at
Rogers Arena followed by your one hour session on-ice with Daniel and Henrik Sedin running drills for your youth team.

Kindly Donated By: Daniel & Henrik Sedin
Value: Priceless

Okay kids, let's work on our saucer passes. You start here, at your own goal line. Your teammate will skate the length of the ice. Hit him with the pass just as he reaches the blue line. Whoops, you fell down. Whoops, so did he. Let's move on. Okay kids, let's work on our positioning. Put your back to the defender. Now, he's going to crosscheck you in the back as hard as he possibly can. Here's a tip: really choke up on the stick so he can get the full effect of your crosscheck. Now, whatever you do, don't lose the puck.

Be A Part of the Team Photo
Take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity to be in the Canucks Team Photo at the end of the 2010.11 season. This opportunity is available for one person and includes one 8x10 copy of the team photo and a replica jersey to wear in the photograph.

Kindly Donated By: Vancouver Canucks

Value: Priceless

"Who's the creepy guy in the corner?" "That's Raffi Torres." "Who's the goofy-looking one?" "Still Torres." "No, next to him." "Oh. I have no idea."

One Hour Co-Host Spot on 100.5 The Peak
Let your voice be heard with a one hour co-host opportunity on 100.5 The Peak! The Peak is one of Vancouver’s newest radio stations and features adult alternative music intensive radio station that has a huge emphasis on new and emerging artists with a secondary focus on alternative music from the 80’s & 90’s. It’s the only place you’ll hear the hottest rock, acoustic, folk, and much more, all on one station – setting a new standard for great music in Vancouver.

Kindly Donated By: 100.5 The Peak

Value: Priceless

What is this crap? This sounds like it was recorded in a garage! I'm sick of your artsy-fartsy college kid music! I paid big money for this co-hosting gig, and I say we play The Everly Brothers!

Autographed Script from “Two and a Half Men’’
Own an autographed script from the Golden Globe nominated television show Two and a Half Men. “The Mooch at the Boo’’ script is signed by Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones.

Kindly Donated By: Macklam/Feldman

Value: Priceless

Now you can join the ever-growing list of people to have Charlie Sheen's DNA somewhere in your home.

Roberto Luongo Game Used & Autographed Stick
This game used Reebok goalie stick has been autographed by Roberto Luongo.

Kindly Donated By: Vancouver Canucks
Value: Priceless

Not sure why Luongo still had this stick, considering he was named the game's first star that night. And why does the signature say, "To Brad Ziemer, get bent?"

Kesler Family Men’s RK17 Clothing Basket
This basket features the best men’s clothing from Ryan Kesler’s new clothing line, RK17. Some of the highlights include a men’s jacket, underwear and boxer briefs, baseball hat, long and short sleeve T’s, polo shirt, bowling shirt, hoodie, the Canucks 2010.11 Official Team Year Book, an autographed 8x10 action shot of Ryan Kesler, and much more!

Kindly Donated By: Ryan and Andrea Kesler

Value: $750

10 to 1 that 8x10 action shot looks a lot like this action shot. Oh look, he signed his nipples.

Samuelsson Family Coffee Basket
The Samuelssons want you to stay caffeinated with this sleek Nespresso CITIZ coffee maker with important accessory, the Nespresso Aeroccino (both in silver). Created to please both coffee drinkers and lovers of modern design, the CITIZ coffee maker represents the union of functionality and ‘’retromodern’’ design and caters to all coffee preferences. The accompanying Aeroccino is a new, automatic and amazingly simple way of creating light, creamy milk froth. Just pour in some cold, fresh milk and press the button for exceptional quality milk froth.

Kindly Donated By: Mikael and Sandra Samuelsson

Value: $375

Sometimes Mikael Samuelsson seems on edge, don't you agree? We may finally have our explanation. Look at this gift basket. This ain't some sissy coffee package. This is the package of a full-blown addict. Ten minutes after you win this, Samuelsson's going to run up to you, shouting obscenities, scratching his neck, and tearfully demanding it back.

Hamhuis Family Fitness Basket
This basket contains a variety of fitness goodies from Twist Conditioning, including a gift certificate for three one-on-one 60 minutes training sessions, a Smart Training DVD, Twist Conditioning Smart Toner exercise bands (med and heavy resistance), a Twist Conditioning sling shot, a Suspension Training Pro-pack (containing TRX suspension trainer model p2, a compact mesh carry bag, a 65 min intro to suspension training DVD, and a durable quick start and workout guide), an exercise ball, and a Dan Hamhuis autographed Canucks jersey.

Kindly Donated By: Dan and Sarah Hamhuis
Value: Priceless

Here's the shocker of the evening: Dan "Community Man" Hamhuis gives you the gift of self-improvement. He originally wanted to give you everything you'd need to rappel into an oppressed mountainside village in the Himalayas and free all the slave kids, but the Canucks said no. By the way, that jersey is a size small. If you really work at it, eventually it'll fit you, and you'll be so proud of yourself when it does.

Glass Family Board Game Night Basket
Get the family away from the TV and have some fun with this collection of board games and snacks! This basket of fun contains Canada Monopoly, Life, Jenga, Catch Phrase, Scrabble, Mouse Trap, Set, Uno, Playing Cards, Scrabble, Cards, Bottle of Wine, Sparkling Cider, Organic Popcorn, Butter Marshmallow Squares and Carmel Almond Pecans.

Kindly Donated By: Tanner Glass and Emily Tracy
Total Value: $300

Emily, I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm just some guy who plays Scrabble. I wish there was a way to let the world know I play more board games than that.

Ehrhoff Family Night Out With Christian Basket
Enjoy a Saturday night out for two with Canucks star defenceman Christian Ehrhoff! On February 26, you will be picked up at your home in Vancouver/Burnaby/North Shore by a McLean’s Restaurant chauffeur. After dinner at McLean’s ($150 gift certificate), you’ll be driven to Rogers Arena to watch the Canucks take on the Bruins from your lower bowl seats. After the game, you’ll be driven back to McLean’s to enjoy post-game dessert and drinks with Christian Ehrhoff! When your visit with Christian is over, you’ll be driven home and will take two autographed Christian Ehrhoff t-shirts with you as your souvenir for the evening.

Kindly Donated By: Christian and Farina Ehrhoff

Total Value: Priceless

Dessert is on you, by the way. After games, Christian likes to eat kaiserschmarrn with applesauce. He'll be very upset if he doesn't get his kaiserschmarrn with applesauce. No kaiserschmarrn with applesauce, no Christian. Whatever you do, do not forget the applesauce. And go easy on the salt. He's a flail snail.


But seriously, we hope the event is a raging success and that the Canucks raise a ton of money for those kids.

10 comments:

  1. @ Anonymous - Lies. Batman obeys the laws of grammar.

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  2. @Wisp Maybe Batman's shift key and Caps lock key were both broken?

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  3. That's gold, Jerry! Gold! I was cracking up throughout the whole thing

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  4. maybe Batman has trouble typing with those clunky gloves on....

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  5. I loved the whole thing but especially the Hank&Dank, Flail Snail, and Dan the Community Man bits, they were fantastic.

    I hope it's really successful and we get some awesome stuff from the event!

    Can I also say Nazzy is looking quite snazzy in that picture

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  6. Snazzy indeed. Hence his nickname Markus Snazzlund.

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  7. You idiots, now I can't stop imagining Ehrhoff as a snail

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  8. The best thing about any of this is that Scrabble is listed twice.

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  9. He's obsessed. Even when he tries to downplay it, it finds its way to the forefront.

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