Local musician Kyprios has released a new song, "How The West Was One," a Canuck anthem just in time for the playoffs. It's a decent song, actually, with some slick production and decent flow. I like it. Though he drops fewer rhymes than the Bible's got psalms, Kyprios demonstrates a legit knowledge of the Canucks and proves himself a true fan. There are, however, some factual inaccuracies in the lyrics, which, as a super-famous Canuck blog co-writer, I feel obliged to correct, so as to avoid spreading fallacies amongst the Canuck fanbase.
So far, so okay. With an appropriate amount of swagger, Kyprios asserts that after 40 years of no Stanley Cups, there won't be another one. This seems, perhaps, a bit brash: it implies, after all, that the Canucks will win the Stanley Cup every single season from now on. This is a bit too optimistic, though I understand the impetus behind such bravado. An alternate explanation might be that Kyprios expects either the world or the NHL to end after this season, which would be exceedingly pessimistic. Either interpretation paints Kyprios as a man prone to dangerous extremes in his beliefs.
Hank and Dank are in the building
They going in first like Barry Wilkins
Barry Wilkins is, of course, the defenseman who scored the first NHL goal in Vancouver Canucks history. He managed to score only four other goals that season, so here's hoping that the simile comparing the Sedins to Wilkins is grossly inaccurate. Quite frankly, it already is: the Sedins don't normally play the first shift of the game, so they are rarely "going in first." If he's referring to the offensive zone, it's generally Burrows' job to get in on the forecheck first. If Kyprios is referring to the powerplay, where the Sedins generally are first over the boards, he should have been more clear.
Hit first ask questions second
My man Tiger Williams taught me them lessons
While Tiger Williams certainly "hit first," asking questions was much further down his list of priorities, somewhere between "water the begonias" and "pick up drycleaning." Honestly, I'm not sure what kind of questions he might ask after laying out an opponent with a bodycheck: How's the weather down there? Have you read my cookbook? Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Recipients of his hits were not in the best frame of mind to answer questions in any case.
And we're destined, flyin' in the Western
We can beat you both ways like Ryan Kesler
Wait, is Kyprios admitting that he has physically assaulted Ryan Kesler? We can beat you both ways, just like we beat Ryan Kesler? Is he also saying that there are only two ways to beat someone? Judge Dredd would likely disagree with that. Of course, Kyprios is actually saying that the Canucks can win either by scoring goals or by preventing goals. That is factually inaccurate: the Canucks win by doing both at the same time.
Yessir, ya not even competitors
Listen up to Alex, and respect your Edlers
That's not inaccurate; that's just a terrible pun.
We got heroes, who beat you with pure play
We got Burrows, lookin' like Bure
The only way that Burrows looks like Bure is in regards to the first three letters of his name. At no point when they are on the ice do they look at all similar. They don't score goals in the same way, they don't skate the same way, and their facial features are entirely dissimilar. It is factually inaccurate to say that Burrows looks like Bure.
Fan my whole life, not a team quite this sick
Opposition goalies are the red light district
While I could quibble that it is extremely unlikely that Kyprios was a Canucks fan during his infancy, I won't. In fact, the rhyme of "quite this sick" with "light district" is solid, although Harrison feels Kyprios missed an attempt to sneak in a reference to "Bisquick".
Vancouver is a family
So we'll do it for Bourdon and we'll do it for Manny
Yeah, I can't argue with this one. Only one word appropriate for this couplet: werd.
It's not the name on the back, rep the front of the jersey
Factual inaccuracy: the 40th Anniversary Jersey, which Kyprios is clearly referencing in this couplet, does not even have a name on the back. Thus, it would be impossible to play for the name on the back as it simply does not exist. QED.
Coach Vinny knows the Hammer gonna getcha,
This seems like something Mikael "Awkward Dad" Samuelsson might say to his kids while rough-housing: The Hammer's gonna getcha! It's gonna getcha! The part that is factually inaccurate, however, is that Alain Vigneault is not called "Coach Vinny." It makes him sound like an Italian-American mobster rather than a French-Canadian hockey coach. Vigneault is actually known as Monsieur Rondelle.
could be Keith Ballard or boom boom Bieksa
Kevin Bieksa's nickname is "Juice" not "Boom Boom." The only "Boom Boom" in hockey is Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrion, the supposed inventor of the slapshot. If Kyprios wanted to avoid the "Juice" appellation and go with a repetitious nickname of his own invention, I would suggest "Pinch Pinch" or "Slide Slide."
This is Kyprios, not Nick or Kiprusoff
Got me throwin' punches like pissin Rick Rypien off
Kyprios kindly clarifies that he is not Nick Kypreos, something @RealKyper_ never had the courtesy to do. Apparently confusing Kyprios with Nick Kypreos or, worse, Miikka Kiprusoff enrages Kyprios to the point of physical violence. Someone needs to notify him, however, that pissing Rick Rypien off leads to mild shirt tugs rather than punch-throwing.
Shootin' like Sammy, with Torres beside him
Kyprios shoots logos all over Vancouver. Any time you see a bullet hole in a logo, Kyprios put it there. Also, when Raffi Torres is next to him, Samuelsson hits logos with greater efficiency. There's nothing factually inaccurate about this, it just needed to be pointed out.
If they Called Raffi Cli, the boys couldn't find him
See, if you put "Cli" in front of Raffi's last name, it makes 12-year-old boys laugh. It doesn't, however, make Raffi more difficult to find, as the small campfire on his lower lip makes him stand out in a crowd no matter what prefix is added to his name. Factual inaccuracy.
Jokes, Laugh when I'm servin' ya
You know I love the Nucks like Pratt loves Ursula
In this, the darkest, most soul-searching part of the song, Kyprios admits to stalking the Vancouver Canucks, calling them at all hours of the night, and growling at them while wearing leather pants. It takes a lot of guts to admit you have a problem, Kyprios. I'm proud of you.
Great Dane, May Ray is the trickiest kid
Lap Dog, and Chris is getting Higgy with it
Jannik Hansen is from Denmark and he is pretty great. Placing his nickname so close to Mason Raymond's, however, only makes it seem like they are the same person. This is factually inaccurate. Also, no one calls Maxim Lapierre "Lap Dog" anymore, not since Steve Downie made that mistake. And while "Chris is getting Higgy with it" was one of the lamest things Dave Tomlinson has every said, I'm all for embracing it in true ironic hipster fashion. As long as it is said with full self-awareness that it is a lame thing to say, then it's awesome. That's how irony works, right?
Wild west, where you know how the song go
The Nucks are the number underneath of Luongo
No they are not. The Canucks are a hockey team composed of human beings with emotions, feeling, and stories. They are not numbers, they are free men! Reducing them to a number is just plain wrong. They're human beings, dammit! Treat them with some dignity!